Saturday, 9/14/24 – A Moment of Reflection
As Thursday night came to a close, I found myself caught up in a mini-documentary about cobalt mining in the Congo. The story was heartbreaking, and as I finally settled into bed around 12:30 AM, my mind was racing. I kept replaying everything: the sharp pain in my hip, the doctor’s dismissive attitude, the fluid discharge, and the infection itself. I couldn’t help but ask, “Why me?” I’ve endured so much physical pain and challenge.
A Moment to Unplug and Reflect
Despite it all, there’s a part of me that believes this moment is a gift—a chance to unplug from life’s constant distractions, a time to be still. It’s something I’ve been craving for a while, though not quite like this. I had envisioned taking 40 days in the Colombian jungle to reflect, reconnect with myself, and rediscover my passions. Instead, I’m stuck at home, battling pain. Yet, in this stillness, I can see how the struggles over the years have limited my freedom to pursue dreams. I can also see how I have been resistant to stillness itself. This hip replacement was supposed to be the first step toward reclaiming that freedom—an effort to unlock creativity and passion for the next 40 years of my life.
The Gift of Time
It’s been 7.5 weeks since my hip replacement, and though I haven’t been able to walk, I’ve been given the gift of time. Time to sit with myself, to reflect, to study, to read, and to write. I’ve also had more meaningful moments with family and deeper connections with others, time that I might never have taken otherwise. And here it is, offered to me unexpectedly.
Looking Back on My Accident
If it had been my destiny to die, it could have happened many times before. I’ve always felt a deep sense of purpose in my life, even though it has been weighed down by challenges since my accident in 2015, when I fell 200 feet after a mid-air paramotor collision. It’s miraculous how the smallest events can shift the entire course of our lives. I believe that every situation we encounter can be for our growth, learning, and healing, if we are to tune within and listen.
Pain and Finding Relief
I finally managed to get some sleep around 3 AM, though I woke up an hour later for a bathroom break. When I got up around 11:00 AM, I was met with pain at every turn—getting out of bed, walking, sitting, even something as simple as putting on clothes was a struggle. By 11:30, I was sitting on the couch, wrestling with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. The pain medication (Oxycodone) hasn’t been helping, so I stopped taking it two days ago. There was no escape from the pain.
There have been moments when the pain has been so intense and unrelenting that I can understand how someone might feel as though they’ve reached the end of their strength. While I’m not suicidal, the depth of this pain has allowed me to glimpse why someone in a similar situation might consider that path. When pain is beyond your control, and it feels like the help you need isn’t coming, the sense of hopelessness can be overwhelming. It’s a sobering realization to witness how easily the balance can tip when the suffering becomes too much to bear.
Around 12:30, I decided to take Kratom, not just for the physical pain, but also for the psychological relief. I had used it during my femur infection in 2017-18 to help navigate that painful time. I also made some cacao, which has become part of my self-care routine.
Family Visit and Campfire
By 6:00 PM, my dad and nephew came over to visit. Dad kindly cooked me lots of food for the next day or two and I am so grateful for that. After dinner, the three of us decided to go for a joy ride in my van. On a whim, I invited my cat, Lokah, to join us, and surprisingly, he jumped right in. It was his first ride, and though he was a bit unsure at first, he gradually settled into the experience. We drove around for an hour, venturing into places we typically wouldn’t visit. We even returned to Lokah’s home, the place where I rescued him. I didn’t let him out, but it really felt like he knew where we were.
Later that evening, around 9:00 PM, I enjoyed a quiet campfire in my backyard by myself, reflecting on the day and the journey I’ve been on. By midnight, I was ready to settle in for the night, and I went to bed on the couch.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you made it to the end, I would love to hear from you!
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu